On Love

The Prophet - Kahlil Gibran

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Love and Pain

Recently, I have been thinking about something - something that I have not experienced or felt as strongly as I expect it to be...not yet that is...triggered by events in the lives of friends.
The ever complicated topic of love. Actually, I take back what I said - I probably have fallen in love before - but maybe it is not how I expected it to be. (The doubt makes me think I haven't felt the full force of it..or wrath). I know I can do so much more than that and I can't wait to be there...to do that much.

I have always thought that I would give everything for that someone. And I still believe I will - knowing me when I am on that kind of "high". However, I have been a witness to love that faded..probably died..and the grief and pain that come with it. I have always thought I am ready to face that - the inevitable pain in loving. Easy for me to say when I am not there yet. Now that I have seen other people facing that - it makes me think if I want to go through something like that. Can I bear it? Maybe I can, maybe I can't. Is it all worth the pain? Hard to tell when you are not face to face or immersed in it. Hard core romantics will probably say yes. On the other hand, it makes me think - can I bear NOT giving everything I can give? I guess not too.

Anyhoo, these are just thoughts. I will cross the bridge over troubled water (hehe) when I get there. But I am betting on the second one. I will give it all, lose all control. I will seek not only love's peace and pleasure...I will bleed willingly and joyfully...I shall laugh with all of my laughter and weep with all of my tears.*

And no, I am not in love with anyone now. : ) hehehe!

*Indirectly quoting my fave section of one of my fave books - The Prophet (On Love).

Friday

I know I said I won't say anything work related anymore but I wanted to share that I have had only 2.5 hours of sleep. Nice huh! One of these days, I will collapse for sure hehe.

But I am in an OK mood - OK for someone who has eyebags bigger that her eyes. Oh well. Ingiti na lang eto.

I watched tennis yesterday - great night for tennis. My fave Davenport lost to Dementieva though. Tough call on the last and winning shot (tiebreak no less) but well, it happens. Then I watched Blake vs Agassi. I have always been an Agassi fan - even back when it was he vs Sampras. Cute eh. Hehe. Anyway, he won...bounced back from a 2 set lead by Blake and ended in a tiebreak down to the last point! It was probably the best game thus far in the US Open. Exciting. Blake was pretty tough for someone not so experienced. I was shouting alone in the apartment! I wonder who is gonna win in the women's Sharapova? In the men's I am betting on Federer again. But who knows!

So anyhoo, back to now. I am missing the Red Eye movie with the Abnoys later. Call. Hopefully, it can be moved earlier. But if not, I'll follow to Bistro. hehe! I hope I don't fall asleep while in Bistro. I have work tomorrow at 8am and I hope I wake up in time.

Last

This has been the BEST [insert sarcasm here] week ever. Work wise that is. I don't know why I even said that last line because work pretty much has been everything I have been busy with for the past god-knows-how-many months already.

I have never been more frustrated with work ever..just because it's been dragging us for months and the hours are just un-f$%&%#ng-believable. I feel that this frustration will soon turn into apathy... a point where I won't give a damn anymore. Someone asked what she could do to make it a bit easier for us. I couldn't answer because really - what would make it easier for us? Free place to stay? Free food? Free snacks? Gift Cheques? No, no, no, no. I hope to God we will soon finish this coz it is burning everyone out. Seriously.

Sigh! Oh well, I made a promise to myself that this would be the last post on ranting about work. Never again.

Ha!

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-from The Bible

On my desk

The LITTLE things are infinitely the MOST IMPORTANT.

-Emily Dickinson

Rat Race Weekend

As a sign of protest from my emotional outburst last Friday/Saturday, I did not go to work during the weekend. Well, I am now in the office but just because I want to update my blog haha.

I went home Saturday 1PM and I passed by Glorietta to buy those Adidas sneakers. Meant to be! The last pair for my size. Great! I slept at around 6PM. Woke up at 7PM. Slept again. Woke up at 8PM because my phone was ringing. I was half asleep while talking to a friend who was busy mounting her aircon haha. Slept again. Woke up at 2AM because I was hungry and I joined Abby and Arbie in their food trip. Watched TV and fell asleep. Woke up at 330AM. Watched some more. Fell asleep again. Woke up at 7AM. I didn't sleep again after. I wanted to be "normal" again because I am going to be on dayshift on Monday after 1 month of being on night shift (this is for formality - in one month, I was doing both night and day shift!). I miss daylight!!!

I grabbed breakfast at 8AM in Somerset (where the team is staying) because I was bored. Great coffee, they have. Anyhoo, after that, I spent some time watching the US Open and some CSI episodes.

I left and met up with Beege at past 2PM. We bought more stuff for her place - mop, trash can, cleaning stuff (we never ever get tored of cleaning), more pranelas hehe, bed sheets, etc. I did my grocery too! I figured it's time for me to use shampoo again. Kidding! We spent the whole time looking for stuff to buy and also joking around with the sales people. I particularly enjoyed the one with the cashier because she was doing her job and doing the job of her bagger as well. Beege and I bagged our own groceries and I sincerely offered to bag the next person's groceries. Hehe. "Pasaway kasi yung bagger eh!" was what she said. It's nice that they have the energy to enjoy a good laugh or joke. : )

We were so exhausted after that we ate like we won't be eating in days. Yu-mmy. It was a pretty fruitful Sunday (although we missed mass again) and it is nice to be away from work for once. Beege did her painting again (painting with paint and HAIR on the wall) and I again tried my luck on the Hollaback Girl. Hey! We were allowed to use our shoes around the apartment this time which was nice. But I got used to removing my shoes that I removed them nalang din. I wore my new sneakers.

It was fun as always. I have a favorite spot in Beege's aparment - the left side of her couch which has always been my side when we drop dead after working. I love it! At 8PM, we lied down again to rest while waiting for the rain to stop. We woke up at almost 11PM already. I swear - that couch is a cure for insomnia! ANG SARAP TULUGAN! I wasn't even on a straight position then. And now, I am wide awake and sabi nga ni Beege - parang hinahanap na namin ang couch. Haha. Amazing. Great buy, mi amiga!

So that was my Sunday. It was the best day of the week. Away from the rat race I have been in - work.

And what a coincidence, I saw a rat SO HUGE (and so black) - a cat will get scared - in front of MSE. NAKAKADIRE.

Grrrr

I have never been more upset at anyone from work until today. Well, I have been once but this was one of the “best”.

For months now, I have been relatively out of touch – I have not seen my parents in more than 3 months. I have missed a lot of gimiks. I have missed 2 of 3 birthdays of my roommates. One of them moved out already. One of them is leaving the company. I have not seen my regular buddies. I have never ignored so much text messages in my life. All because of work – which was fine at first knowing it will all soon be over. But more than 3 months, 7 day working weeks, 11 hours minimum daily, countless calls and issues, 1 month night shift after, I am still stuck in this pit which I believe won’t end ever anymore. And then, Saturday morning of yet another weekend at work – night shift at that, I get this email.

Please make sure...blah blah…so that this will go as smooth as possible and we're able to let the US based personnel enjoy the rest of their holiday.

T%&@INA lang ha! I was talking to another person online then who was from the US also. I told her – ‘can I answer “him” and tell him we will keep that in mind when we work over the fucking weekend!’ I have never felt angrier and more upset in this career of mine! Fucking asshole. The nerve of him to tell me about enjoying holidays! Geez, if it is just the holidays we are talking about, I lost count how many we’ve missed ENJOYING already. The fuck. And I am sure I read that email correctly! I reread it to make sure I am not overreacting and I get the same burning feeling to punch someone in all times I reread it.

They don’t know how much we have missed all this time. I was so glad at the start that we have people here who never complained, who never had low morale, who have always hoped one day this would be over. It breaks my heart to see them lose energy and burn out. Somehow work has managed to make the liveliest people think why the hell they should stay lively. Tragic.

And it just took one email – just one – to make me realize why the hell I should care.

I have wasted almost a year of my life for this. Dammit.

PS: I did send that email. : ) Minus the f word of course. But I liked my ending note --> Thank you and enjoy the holiday.

Got Carried Away

Beege posted a really nice article in her blog (see hers!). Reading that never fails to inspire me and just makes me hang in there. It makes me realize there are more things in life to be happy about than sad and that realization keeps me going on. Life is just too full of possibilities.

Anyhoo (by now, you should know that this is one of my fave words and so is alritey hehe) - I think the article is about valuing the small things, savoring the things that matter. And the things that matter aren't necessarily those that by CONVENTION, are the important things, such as WORK (ahem), reputation, social status, etc. Most of the time, the more important things are actually those that we often trivialize and take for granted such as time we make
for family. How often are we more concerned about what colleagues and peers have to say than that of our parents and siblings? We are in an age where greatness is measured by one's contribution to say, technological advancements, literature and social development that many undermine personal relationships and simple joys. Yeah - simple joys.

I think for most people, if not all, the things that STILL really affect us are those that are closer to heart.

I love the title of that article. I believe that people really have what it takes to have and be everything that they want. The more important question, however is, what's the guarantee that
these certainly are what we want; because, it is only in addressing that question that we will be able say that what we've done and who we are are indeed enough.

3 things I wanna buy soon

There are 3 things I want to buy - hopefully later. Well, probably not all of them at the same time. In order:

1. Adidas sneakers - Teng and Carlo both have it! And I want my own pair too! Really nice. And I hear, they're on sale so HURRAH. Cool - white base with black and silver stuff going on.

2. Perfume - Either I stick with Kenzo or do Light Blue (but 2 out of 2 of my roommates have it so way to be unique!)

3. Jeans - I need a new pair. A nice pair.

So maybe I can start with the sneakers first.

Addiction

I went home rather early yesterday (I don't know what I mean by yesterday but you get the point) - 12NN. I went home, showered, changed, lied down and turned on the TV and DVD - great, Trainspotting was on the player so I just continued watching it. I watch 20 minutes each day so I am now in my nth installment of the film - which is about addiction. Reminded me of that film I watched - Requiem for a Dream which was about that too. I find them disturbing for some reason but they're great.

Anyhoo, I fast forwarded the disc to the last part because I might not finish it anytime soon. I came to a scene where some nice lines were said and I just had to share them hehe:

[Voice Over: Renton - played by the loveable Ewan McGregor]

Our only response was to keep going and fuck everything.
Pile misery after misery.
Heap it up on a spoon and dissolve it with a drop of bile.
Then squirt it into a strinking purulent vein and do it all over again.

Keep on going, getting up, going out, robbing, stealing, fucking people over
Propelling ourselves with longing towards the day it would all go wrong
Because no matter how much you stash...
or how much you steal, you NEVER have enough

No matter how far you go out and rob and fuck people over
You always need to get up and do it all over again

Given the story of the movie, I think he was referring to drug addiction - heroin as one of the main drugs. But it caught me I guess because I think it also applies to other things besides drugs, right?

Think about it.

Christmas has started!

Yesterday (or was it the other day? I lost track of days), my shift started 7PM and ended at a whopping 3:30PM the next day. Wow.

I did not go home to my apartment, instead I went to yet another project sponsored apartment. This is my 3rd apartment - excluding mine - in around 3 months now. We have been to Fraser, Oakwood and now, in Somerset - which is not bad in location because Coquina is in that building, across is the nice New Bombay resto, on the side are - oh surprise - Ministop and 711...Figaro and Segafredo. I have finally admitted to myself that this project is never gonna end. Never!

Today is officially the start of Filipino Christmas with this day commencing the "BER" thing. How time flies. Soon, we will be hearing the countdown to Christmas, Christmas promos and of course, Christmas shopping.

Ten is inviting me to go with her again to Bangkok this November - with her project mates this time who are fun to be with! I went with her last May and I loved it! I am still thinking about it though. Thinking hard. I enjoyed shopping there and watching the elephants. Oh, and I loved the food also. : )

I want to go to a vacation. A long one. Sino gusto sumama? : )

Lights down, you up and die

He wakes up in the morning
Does his teeth, bite to eat and he's rolling
Never changes a thing
The week ends, the week begins

...And remembers being small
Playing under the table and dreaming...

Take these chances
Place them in a box until a quieter time

Lights down, you up and die

People in every direction
No words exchanged,
No time to exchange when...
All the little ants are marching
Red and black antennae waving

They all do it the same
They all do it the same way...

Lights down, you up and die.

- Dave Matthews, Ants Marching.